NFL | RJ's Musings

It sucks to be a Cleveland Browns fan. I know most of my Facebook friends are probably Bengals fans, and in fairness, it probably sucks equally (or worse) to be a Bengals fan, but I got hooked on the Browns during the 10 years I lived in Columbus and that’s that. At least the Bengals have been to 2 Super Bowls in the last 30 years. And, as I recall, although they lost both times to the 49er’s, they were close and entertaining games, one could argue that during that 10 year stretch in the 80’s to early 90’s, with the exception of that (’83?) Raiders team, that the NFC thoroughly dominated the AFC in the Superbowl except for those two Bengals games. But I digress…

To cheer for the Browns is to become well acquainted with suffering. I still remember “The Drive” – as it happens I was at that game. And, one year later, I watched like a rubber-necker in a car moving past a devastating 10-car pile-up as Ernest Byner fumbled away the AFC championship again. Now, even though I’d gladly pay to have these memories removed from my consciousness, I’m forced to relive them any time Cleveland gets near the playoffs. Fortunately this happens only very infrequently. Actually, I think ESPN is under some sort of contractual obligation to play clips from “The Drive” and “The Fumble” every year during the playoffs just to twist the knife a little bit more in Cleveland.

I watched as Marty Schottenheimer left rather than give up control to a GM (Chargers fans are probably having similar fond thoughts about Marty), only to see him replaced by football genius, Bill Belichick. Trust me nothing sucks worse than suffering through the mediocrity that was Belichick before he left with his tail between his stubby little legs, only to see him re-emerge as the next Vince Lombardi in New England. Understand too, that I live in New England, and have to live with his success, and the obnoxious asshole fans who love him as well. Trust me, nothing prepares you for this. Interesting side note, I’m officially soulless as of last year’s Superbowl. That’s correct, in a Faustian bargain, I offered my soul to Satan if he’d only let the Patriots lose to the Giants. I can only assume he’ll be coming to collect in the next 7 – 10 years, or whatever the going rate is for a soul these days. Some people may feel that I got screwed – not from where I’m standing.

I watched while Art Model packed my team off to Baltimore. I watched as they proceeded to make it to the Superbowl, sporting a dominating defense I haven’t seen the likes of since 1985. I was torn about who to root for. I finally constructed an elaborate fantasy that allowed me to root for the Baltimore Browns. It went something like this. I have to root for them for Ozzie (Newsome). He deserves the ring he never got in Cleveland. Wouldn’t it be great if the Browns win the Superbowl on a last-minute drive culminating in some outrageous one-handed catch in the corner of the end-zone. And, just before the game-winning catch, wouldn’t it be awesome if Art Model suffered a massive, fatal heart-attack? But I’m not bitter about Model.

The Browns finally returned to Cleveland in 1999, and to put it mildly, they’ve sucked. I’ve watched a non-distinguished series of coaches, GM’s, and botched draft picks accompany their descent into (even mediocrity is too kind) well, general shitty-ness. Who remembers their first coach after they returned? Me either (actually it was Chris Palmer). Butch Davis made some headway, getting ’em to the playoffs, and actually beating the Steelers (in Pittsburgh) for 3 quarters before they went into the prevent defense and gave the game away.

I watched as one of the Sorcerer’s apprentices (Romeo Crennel) took the reigns, and a “real” GM was hired from the hated Ravens. I even got my hopes up as they managed to win 10 games last season. Didn’t make the playoffs, but hey, we can build on this! I watched as Kellen Winslow Jr. tried repeatedly to screw up his career and his health by doing stupid shit that most teenagers wouldn’t try. I watched as Braylon Edwards went from spectacularly promising last year to surprisingly lukewarm in the current one.

I watched with hope as Crennel and Savage were fired. And now, I’m watching in horror as we entertain interviews with the likes of Eric Magini – although he’s got a really strong resume from the Jets, wonder why they fired him (sarcasm) – and worse still, Krik Ferentz, the coach of the Iowa Hawkeyes. I mean, what is it about NFL owners that continues to make them take flyers on college football coaches? Other than Jimmy Johnson, has any college coach ever made it to the Bigs and had any type of success? And yet, we’re still willing to give another one a try.

Look, I wanted Cowher. We ain’t getting him (in fairness, I don’t think he’s going to coach next season, but we’ll see what happens if Daniel Snyder decides to break open the piggy-bank). And, I don’t think Lerner will bring back Schottenheimer, although I think he’s the right fit for the team, and sure, he probably wouldn’t get ’em outta the playoffs, but there’s a helluva lot to be said for actually getting to the playoffs. This week, I was also shocked to see Shanahan come on the market (what was Denver thinking?), and I would absolutely favor making a run at him! He hasn’t had a lotta success since Elway retired, but nobody can say he isn’t a great football coach, and after what we’ve trotted out the last few years, he’d be one helluva upgrade.

In the end, it doesn’t matter. Like a junkie looking for that cherry high, I’ll keep coming back every year, drinking the koolaid, and getting my heart broken all over again. It’s calloused now, and I can take it. And, I only had one soul to sell. But, I’m betting the Devil wouldn’t jump on this one, I imagine that the human misery associated with Browns fandom is enough to keep him smiling all year round, allowing them some measure of success would spoil all of that, and I don’t see that happening. So, we’re screwed on a cosmic, existential level. I realize cities like Chicago have a bitch, but they had a Superbowl in 85, and Cubbies are at least decent of late (let’s not even talk about the ’95 World Series). Philadelphia could whine up until this year when the Phillies finally came through. Other than Seattle (and God help me, it does suck to be them), I don’t think anyone else has a claim to the righteous misery that is Cleveland sports. I can’t wait till next year!